How do I Tell: Parents, Friends, and Family.

For LGBTQQ youth, coming out to parents, friends and family is a decision with potentially life-altering consequences. While all youth hope for their parents’, friends’, and family’s acceptance, many fear rejection.

Although many parents do react negatively at first to finding out their child is LGBTQQ, over time most come to accept this fact, especially if the parents receive support in dealing with their own feelings. For youth who are supported and accepted by their parents, coming out can even improve their relationship. Being honest about who they are allows them to be closer to their parents.

For other youth, however, the decision to come out has negative consequences. Some youth are forced to leave home, cut off emotionally and/or financially. Other parents may become abusive toward their child. In such cases, the family relationship may never recover because of the parents’ overwhelming negative reaction.

Because of the potential hazards involved in coming out to parents, the following are some questions young people should ask themselves before deciding to come out:

What is your current relationship with your parents like?
Do you feel that you have a good relationship with your parents? Have they shown that they will love and accept you even when they are upset with you or disapprove of something you’ve done? Or do they react harshly when you don’t conform to their standards or wishes? If you generally have a warm, positive relationship and have been comfortable talking with them in the past, then it is more likely that your relationship will survive.

What are your parents’ general reactions to LGBTQQ people?
Have you heard your parents make positive comments about LGBTQQ people or do they typically put them down or describe them negatively? Do they have friends who are LGBTQQ? If your parents generally are accepting towards LGBTQQ people, they may be more likely to accept you. Parents who have very rigid moral and/or religious beliefs and are convinced that homosexuality is sinful or immoral are likely to have more difficulty dealing with your sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Do you have other sources of emotional and/or financial support?
If your parents’ reaction is overwhelmingly negative, are there people you can turn to for emotional support? If you were forced to leave home, do you have a place to stay and a source of financial support? If not, and you believe that your parents will react very negatively, it may be safer to wait until you are financially independent and until you have built a network of supportive people who can help you feel good about yourself.

Are you certain about and comfortable with your sexual orientation and/or gender identity?
Parents will usually want to know if you are sure about being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. If you are feeling confused, this will probably increase your parents’ confusion and make them less sure about your judgment. On the other hand, if you are feeling strong and are comfortable with yourself, this can help your parents to be more comfortable, too. For those youth who have truly open-minded, understanding parents, coming out even before you have fully accepted yourself may be appropriate. Such parents can lend their support as you struggle to come to terms with your sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Do you feel prepared to deal with your parents’ questions and concerns?
Your parents may have many questions or fears about what being LGBTQQ means for you. Most of their information will likely be based on stereotypes and what they have learned from a homophobic society. They may be worried that being LGBTQQ will put you in danger or make you unable to lead a happy life. If you’ve done your homework, including reading books about LGBTQQ people and experiences, you’ll be able to reassure them and tell them where they can get more information and support. Be able to provide them with a book, brochure, local organization or website that they can use to increase understanding, connect with other parents and receive support.

What is your reason for coming out now, and is this the best time?
Thing through why you’ve chosen to come out to your parents now. Hopefully, it’s because you want to have a closer, more honest relationship with them. Sharing this reason with your parents may help them be more accepting. Likewise, try to pick a time when your parents are relaxed, rather than stressed out. If they have recently experienced a major loss, such as the death of a loved one or other stress, consider waiting. Most parents who learn that their child is LGBTQQ feel, at least initially, that they have lost the child they knew or grieve the loss of the life they expected for their child. It can be harder for them to get over this “loss” if they are already grieving over other losses or have other stressors currently in their lives.

Will you be able to give your parents time to accept this?
Remember it may have taken you a long time to accept that you are LGBTQQ. Think about your initial reaction when you first started realizing you were LBGTQQ. Maybe you denied it, decided it was “just a phase,” or felt guilty and wished you could change. Your parents may go through many of the same reactions. While some parents are immediately accepting of their child, others take months or even years before they begin to accept their child’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity. If you do not think you can be patient and deal calmly with your parents’ feelings of shock, anger, guilt, or shame, then this may not be the right time to come out.

Is this really your decision?
Be certain that this is really want to do. Don’t be pressured into coming out by well-meaning friends, family or counselors. You are the best judge of how your parents will react, and only you should make this important decision.

Adapted from Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League, A safe place to be who you are, Washington D.C.